Fatherhood for Gay Men: An Emotional and Practical Guide to Becoming a Gay Dad Review
REVIEWED BY: Francis A. Martin, Ph.D.
Department of Counseling and Human Resource Development
South Dakota State University, Brookings.
APPEARED IN: THE FAMILY JOURNAL: COUNSELING AND THERAPY FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES / July 2004
In my heart I knew that I was a natural dad, but intellectually I had to convince myself that I could do it?
Mr. McGarry's comment may seem to be a little odd to many of us. Most of us don't have to convince ourselves that we can do it when it comes to deciding to be a parent. Generally, we just do it, because we know that we can and because we want to. For many of us, finding an answer to the question about whether to become a parent is just a little more challenging than breathing.
But what if the person who wants to be a parent is a gay man? How does he enter the psychological and social zones of existence that allow him to know that his desire to be a parent is OK? And beyond the turmoil of sorting through the complex inner map that shows no clear roads to gay parenthood, how does a man become a gay father? What does the lawsay that he can do? How does he get a child? How much is it going to cost?
Among all of the questions and challenges, he must, in his own way, settle for himself the rightness of becoming a gay father. As McGarry reveals, this is no easy process. But as he also reveals, it is extraordinarily fulfilling and life affirming.
And then, he gets to work. Among many things, McGarry finds a way to complete a home study to show that he is capable of caring for a child, knowing that as he seeks to get it done, he may find a social worker who rejects the possibility of a man becoming a gay father. Then, of course, he must find a child within a limited time or he must have another home study done. This, however, is mostly easy stuff. Finding a child is the hard part. Paying for the whole process is another hard part, with costs of approximately U.S.,000, according to McGarry.
Luckily, for those who are interested in getting information about these matters, McGarry provides it. He gives details about home studies, locating children, the relevant laws in each of the United States, the costs involved in adoption, and much more. So, as McGarry invites his readers to share his search, with its uniquely internal and external aspects, its emotional and practical aspects, he gives insights and information that every prospective gay father needs. In response to this, the reader is likely to feel as much gratitude as intimidation, as much eagerness as dread, and as much real expectation as confusion.
McGarry traveled to Vietnam to adopt his children. He uses some of the sections of his book to describe his experiences that are associated with his Vietnam connections. Fortunately, he uses other sections to share the diary that he kept, revealing much of the substance that may be important for those who want to become a gay father and understanding for those who care about them. As opposed to seeing a picture of it, reading his diary entries is akin to smelling a rose and touching it.
In some important ways, this book does not comport with the standards of well-written books. The diary entries are not very efficient, although they are insightful and truly moving experiences to read. The discussion of state laws and practices
that may help an explorer to decide in which state he wants to become a gay father leaves the reader knowing a great deal but not enough. Sometimes, its ideas seem to be lacking in detail, as if the story should contain more than the author knows. Sometimes, its promise of being a significant resource for its readers exceeds the reach of possibility. However, if these few features of this book are the ones to which a reader gives significant attention, the importance of this book will have been missed. Serious and competent readers often discover that the author who has something important to say is more important and more influential than the author who writes well but has nothing of importance to offer. McGarry is a writer who has something important to say.
As a writer,Mr. McGarry has produced a reasonably good product. Frankly, though, evaluating him as a writer misses the significance of what he has accomplished. More than being a writer, he is a man who presents the experience of seeking to adopt a child and doing it and then writes from the experience of repeating the process. He reveals his sometime torment and sometime ecstasy, with serious swings of mood in between these two extremes, along with true grit and ingenuity in overcoming huge barriers. Because of his passion to disclose his experience to others, he attempts to provide a somewhat encyclopedic document, falling short in this short document, of course. Falling short in this way, however, matters very little when compared with his attempt to accomplish something that is deeply personal and newas a fundamentally important contribution to a major social change.
Given all that this book appeared to promise, I was skeptical of it. After reading it, I concluded that it is an important book that many parents should read. Clearly, men who aspire to be gay fathers must read it. Its importance, though, is bigger than this. Surely, it is a gift to these men as well as being a gift to the rest of us. The gift is that it helps men who want to be gay dads and helps the rest of us to understand our parenting a little better, but its larger gift is that it helps to initiate, legitimate, and facilitate major social change. Long after some of its shortcomings are forgotten, this book will be remembered because McGarry eased the way for many men who want to be gay ads and eased theway for the rest of us to be more understanding, fulfilled, and effective human beings. What better gift could a writer give? What better incentive for social change could we need?
Fatherhood for Gay Men: An Emotional and Practical Guide to Becoming a Gay Dad Overview
Get the inside story on a single gay man's struggle to adopt!
Fatherhood for Gay Men: An Emotional and Practical Guide to Becoming a Gay Dad is the story of one man's journey down the road less traveled—a single gay man adopting and raising his two sons. Author Kevin McGarry recounts his passage into parenthood after years of having his natural fathering instincts stifled by the limits—real and perceived—of being gay. This unique book details the emotional, financial, practical, and social realities of the adoption process for gay men.
From the author: "We take risks by coming out of the closet as gay men and at the end of the day, we are emotionally happier because we took those risks. By coming out, we are being true to who we are. The same goes for anyone, gay or straight, who has gut instincts for parenthood. I knew over the years that I had parenting instincts because I had this incredible envy of other dads. I would watch them with their kids and wish that somehow, I could have that role. It was painful at times because being gay, I didn't think parenting was in my life plan. Had more role models been available to me, the process would have been a little less difficult."
Much more than a "how-to" guide to adoption, Fatherhood for Gay Men is the personal account of a single gay man's struggle to become a father despite the real and imagined limitations of being a gay man. The book looks at the adoption process (domestic and international) from the inside, providing unique insight into:
conducting a homestudy
costs (fees and expenses)
what countries allow men to adopt
alternatives to adoption
life as a new parent
online resources
and a state-by-state review of adoption laws, categorized by "Completely Legal," "Favorable Climate," "Mixed Success," and "Illegal"
The book also includes results of the 2000 study by Gillian Dunne, senior researcher for the London School of Economics Gender Institute, of 100 gay fathers and fathers-to-be. "Fatherhood for Gay Men: An Emotional and Practical Guide to Becoming a Gay Dad is a heartfelt and heartwarming story of a father's refusal to be denied a family.
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